Take Time Out For Yourself With Renée Zellweger

Maybe take a walk at lunchtime
and get away from the office
with Renée Zellweger.

Keep telling Renée Zellweger
a healthy stomach contains acid
for the digestion of protein-based food.

Talk to her about different skin care products
and what they are used for.

Ask her why acid-washed jeans
seem to have been completely eradicated.

Ask her if she likes
chanting in the dark.

Mention that the number of people
taking Nexium and other acid-inhibiting drugs
is staggering.

Go into the park and
fall over things like
subatomic particles together.

Speak to her in a Scottish brogue and
ask her to hear what you said in a different accent
and then repeat it back in another accent.

Point to the first man you see and say sardonically,
“I wonder if this ‘cool dad’ is planning on having a kid soon
or may have recently compared Brian Eno to the Arcade Fire.”

Point to the next five men you see
and say the exact same thing.

Ask her to draw you as a fish
or a puffy-snack casualty.

Tell her that when you blow the blue whistle
that is her cue to get up and start dancing
or burst into song.

Tell her that
the incomprehensible voice she can barely hear
could be more than a simple case of
straying from one’s body
many, many times.

Advise Renée Zellweiger
she will be happier and healthier if she
takes the time to chase a toy mouse every day.

Get Renée Zellweiger to promise you
that every day from this day forward
she will subconsciously walk around
a deserted waterhole with a shopping basket.

End your encounter by suggesting
to continue day-to-day life.

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