100 Affirmations for Positive, Powerful, Proven Self-Improvement (That in Some Cases Will Also Help You Shred Fat, Become Absolutely Ripped, And Attract Wealth As If You Were a Wealth Magnet)

  1. I am an elite British Commando.
  2. I don’t use the special powder, but if I wanted to use the special powder I could.
  3. There is nothing missing from me – I am complete.
  4. Nothing bad has ever happened to me that would cause ongoing thought disturbances. 
  5. If there were a point system for being a normal person, I would set the record.
  6. My greetings are friendly and charming.
  7. I give gifts appropriate for the occasion and the recipient’s place in my life.
  8. I can disappear and reappear at will.
  9. I control my own atmosphere.
  10. If I touch a home, it is protected from future storms.
  11. My breath is clear and free from flying insects.
  12. I can use a farm tractor appropriately and for the right reasons.
  13. My body is my spaceship and my spaceship cannot be defeated in a fight.
  14. There’s nothing incongruous about me.
  15. There are not a host of strangers living inside of me – there is only me.
  16. There are no unnecessary wires or chemicals in my body.
  17. All of my body’s chemicals are secreted in the appropriate amounts.
  18. All of my wires are free from rust and securely connected.
  19. I can immediately determine the difference between an actual person and a replica.
  20. I am one of those amazing people who can do anything.
  21. No one forces me to move my limbs in an awkward manner.
  22. When my limbs move, it is because I have chosen to move them.
  23. I can affect the outcome of a roulette wheel through imperceptible vibrations in my sinus cavities.
  24. I could find my real parents if I wanted to.
  25. The perfection I have achieved in my physical form is not temporary – it is eternal.
  26. I do not need a second chance to make a first impression.
  27. If I wanted to I could win every lottery.
  28. I am an elite skater.
  29. I am an expert marksman.
  30. I can lift heavy bags of groceries and walk up stairs without difficulty.
  31. I have no difficulty lifting objects over 20 lbs.
  32. I have no difficulty breathing.
  33. My bicycle is well-oiled and the gears shift smoothly.
  34. No one will ever find my secret place.
  35. Many famous people are eager to play cameos in my life.
  36. Wherever I sit, there is ample legroom.
  37. There is no phallic significance to me eating a banana as if it were an ice cream cone.
  38. I have achieved a significant place in history of my time and all historical epochs.
  39. I can enter a room and tell if the wrong people are in it.
  40. I am not wracked by guilt.
  41. I am not paralyzed in any way.
  42. I am not an unnecessary byproduct of misspent passion.
  43. I decide what will be redacted from the contemporary narrative.
  44. I decide what will be inserted into my mouth and when.
  45. I am the final element, without overtones.
  46. My eyes reflect the true depictions of the surrounding world.
  47. I am both part of the story and the writer of the story.
  48. I can appraise horses from all periods of the Americas.
  49. There is no reason to keep me behind bars.
  50. I know every moment is a chance to do the right thing or change what the right thing is.
  51. I am the driver and the car and the passenger and the road, the red light and the green light; there is no yellow light.
  52. When I want to fly, I fly; when I want to sit, a chair appears.
  53. My attention to personal affairs can never be described as “grossly inadequate”.
  54. My perspiration functions as a pleasantly scented, deep-pore cleanser.
  55. I can improve my blood flow without swallowing a capsule.
  56. My body maximizes the use of all nutrients and effortlessly flushes itself of toxins.
  57. I achieve optimum brain and body health without reliance on the whims of corrupt natural food elites.
  58. I am immune to the effects of electricity, no matter how high the voltage. 
  59. I am able to draw the borders of all regions accurately and with precision.
  60. I am never at the mercy of unseen forces.
  61. There are no mice in my car’s heating system.
  62. I am a master of exotic martial arts.
  63. I can read the psychic aura of dangerous criminals and swiftly serve them justice.
  64. I do not need to see someone’s face to know who is talking.
  65. I never get the feeling I have fallen into a black hole and cannot get out.
  66. All four of my eyes are always open.
  67. My palette of readily available emotions is rich and deep.
  68. I am not made of plastic.
  69. I do not require road flares to become aware of roadside breakdowns. 
  70. There is no flaking off of masonry inside of me.
  71. I am immune from the consequences of water absorption and freezing.
  72. I am not afraid of being trapped inside a confined space with a dwindling amount of oxygen – this is the type of situation in which I thrive.
  73. I can climb inside the rain and become its essence or allow it to simply bead off my skin.
  74. I have no valley; I have no plateaus; I only have peaks.
  75. I am capable of crafting untanned, irregular pieces of bloody cowhide into pleasing shapes.
  76. If a food item contains peanuts or was manufactured on equipment also used to process peanuts, I will know it.
  77. I am not allergic to peanuts.
  78. I give no useful answers under interrogation.
  79. I am not duped by camouflage.
  80. I have created a second brain, a duplicate brain within my real brain, and it is this second brain  that the thought invaders enter.
  81. When I choose to walk through life as if through a one-way observation window, I cannot be seen. 
  82. I do not need to strike while the iron is hot – I control metal in all its states.
  83. I am not susceptible to disempowering messages from a broken toaster.
  84. I have silenced all negative internal dialogues.
  85. I transform disempowering feelings or behaviors into winter jackets that can be given to those in need of winter jackets.
  86. I can operate in subliminal, semi-subliminal and overt mode.
  87. I am what all is about.
  88. There is no “good way” or “bad way” – there is only my way.
  89. I can sleep away from home comfortably on my right side, on my left side, on my back, or on my stomach – however it needs to be.
  90. My body’s internal thermostat regulates temperature and, therefore, I do not overheat.
  91. I excel at carnival games involving feats of strength or ionizing water.
  92. I will not die sitting down or laying on my back; like King Richard III, I will die standing on my own two feet, cut down by various medieval weapons.
  93. If I were a deep ocean trench, I would be the deepest ocean trench there ever was.
  94. Foreign daredevils repeat routine aspects of my daily life and call them “stunts.”
  95. I have the ability to gather and mobilize yaks in an emergency situation.
  96. The constant sensation I am riding upwards on a slow-moving elevator is merely me getting smarter.
  97. My lactose intolerance is not a weakness; it is an asset that allows me insight into the suffering of lesser mortals.
  98. The people who are always looking at me and thinking, “He must have a direct path to God” are 100% correct.
  99. If God has chosen to make our clandestine means of communication known to others as Revealed Truth, then I must accept it as His Will.
  100. When they think they have found me, I will already be gone.
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