Let’s Make a Deal About a Door (or “A Play Without a Remainder”)

Notes for live performance: This one-character play is to be performed on a well-lit bare stage with a white back wall. The character delivers all of his lines with a heavy Mexican accent, similar to that used by Cheech Marin in “Up in Smoke.” If for some reason that offends you, then have the character deliver his lines in an Italian accent (my peeps) similar to Chico Marx’s or an Indian accent (I enjoy Indian food) or whatever accent you want…just not a Jamaican accent. Some short one-act absurdist plays are tailor-made for a Jamaican accent. This is not one of those plays. Anyway, use any accent you want, but, I warn you – you deviate at your own risk!

The plays begins with with main character, who is “nameless”, walking on stage…actually, let’s back up…the main character is “nameless”…small “n”…hence we have a play where the sole character both is and isn’t nameless…so this nameless character walks on stage wearing a leisure suit from the 1970’s…or some sort of suit…I’m not really into fashion or costume design…just don’t have him walk on stage as a leopard, or, God forbid Rum Tug Tugger or Munkustrap from Cats…dressing the character as Jean Valjean, either pre- or post-escape from Devil’s Island or wherever he was – NOT RECOMMENDED AT ALL!!!! Similarly, it is not recommended to dress the character as the male lead from Miss Saigon…the female lead would be even worse….actually, come to think of it…before you start with costuming, find out where Miss Saigon is playing, drive there and do a quick sketch of whatever The Engineer is wearing in the big “American Dream” number and Sha-bam! that’s what the character in this play is wearing…or if you can’t get to Miss Saigon, attempt to locate an actor named Thom Sesma, who was as good an Engineer as I’ve ever seen, and give him a ring and have him describe what he was wearing in that scene…OK…now that we have costuming taken care of that…the very first thing the nameless character does when he gets on stage is disrobe…on second thought…if you went to all that trouble to get the costume right it would be a shame to let it go to waste…the nameless character walks on stage AND KEEPS HIS CLOTHES ON…OK…now we’re getting somewhere…specifically, the middle of the stage…after the curtain goes up the character walks to the middle of the stage addresses the audience directly and very enthusiastically when he delivers the opening line, then following the delivery of the opening line, the nameless character moves to stage left…the audience’s right…it’s true, you really do learn something every day…and for the remainder of the play alternates between addressing the audience and gesticulating towards the blank back wall as if pointing out actual doors…and it’s important that the actor makes it seems as if he believes that what is behind the door is incredibly valuable and real and the character is played with a suitable degree of controlled mania…this play will probably received its first live performance in a limited form at an upcoming Kelly Writer’s House Speakeasy…although the windows directly behind the lectern are going to be a problem for me…as a) I’m not an actor and b) even a very good actor, like the aforementioned Thom Sesma, would have a difficult time convincing the audience that several large bay windows less than 2 feet behind him are a row of doors…hmmm…okay, I may have to make up a diagram consisting of rows of doors and just point to it…actually, come to think of it… feel free to ignore all of the above directions…except for the use of an accent and costuming…and just have the character point to a large diagram containing as many doors as possible…that way, the play can be staged in a plethora of environments…including an elevator, although this is not recommended…now without further ado…up curtain!)

Are you ready to play Let’s Make a Deal About a Door? Then let’s make a deal about a door!

Behind one of these doors is a door.

Behind one of these doors are two doors.

Behind one of these doors is a door leading to another door.

Behind two of these doors are two doors leading to the same door.

Behind two of these doors are two doors leading to the same door that the door leading to another door leads to.

Behind three of these doors are twin doors.

Behind four of these doors are French doors.

Behind one of these doors is a door to nowhere in particular.

Behind one of these doors is a door to somewhere very precise, but cloaked in a thick fog.

Behind one of these doors – one of those doors.

Behind one of those doors – one of these doors.

Behind this door and that door – these doors.

Behind that door and this door – those doors.

Behind this door and that door – other doors.

Behind that door and this door – other doors, but different doors from the other other doors.

Behind one of these doors and one of those doors – one of these doors.

Behind one of those doors and one of these doors – one of those doors.

Behind some of these doors – some more of these doors and a few of those doors.

Behind some of those doors – some of those doors and a few of these doors.

Behind one of these doors – none of the doors.

Behind one of these doors – some of the doors.

Behind one of these doors – all of the doors.

Behind one of these doors – all the doors, so it seems, but not really, as one of the doors is in there twice.

Behind one of these doors – all the doors plus one extra door, it seems, but not really, as one of the doors is in there three times.

Behind one of these doors – all the doors, it seems, but not really – really it is only some of the doors and a team of very, very good actors pretending to be the other doors.

Behind one of these doors is a years supply of doors.

Behind two of these doors is a six-month supply of doors.

Behind six of these doors is a two-month supply of doors.

Behind one of these doors is the daily door.

Behind one of these doors is a doorman.

Behind one of these doors is a doorman made of doors.

Behind one of these doors is a doorwomen made of a doorman made of doors.

Behind one of these doors is a door inside a door.

Behind one of these doors is a door inside two doors.

Behind one of these doors is baby doors.

Behind one of these doors is doorbell to the wrong door.

Behind one of these doors is a doorbell to the right door.

Behind one of these doors is a doorbell to the left door.

Behind one of these doors is a doorless door leading to other doorless doors.

Behind one of these doors are two doors both a little more than halfway to the point of doorlessness.

Behind one of these doors are two doors exactly halfway to the point of doorlessness, giving the appearance of a single door.

Behind one of these doors is a door without a doorway.

Behind one of these doors is a door on a doormat shaped like a door.

Behind one of these doors is a door on a doornail.

Behind one of these doors is a door that opens out on a dooryard full of old doors.

Behind one of these doors is doorsteps leading to another door.

Behind one of these doors is two doors with one doorkeeper.

Behind one of these doors is one door with two doorkeepers.

Behind one of these doors is a door jamb.

Behind one of these doors is a door knob used as a door jamb.

Behind one of these doors is a door jamb used as a door knob.

Behind one of these doors is a door used as a doorknob.

Behind one of these doors is a door made of doorknobs.

And in front of one of these doors is where everything stops.

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