Your Momma’s Red Lipstick (a Leonard Cohen song not written by Leonard Cohen and unlikely to ever be recorded by Leonard Cohen)

(Verse 1)

I chose hope.
I chose love.
I never tried to be Peruvian.
I’m not trying to be a dove.

I drank milk.
I ate through tweed.
I was so insatiable for want
I had forgotten ‘bout the need.

I trashed the garbage.
I cleaned the sink.
I apprenticed as a furrier,
but I let loose all the mink.

I ironed my hair.
I burned my sleeve.
I stood four years in a doorway
I couldn’t bring myself to leave.

(Chorus)

Now I come knocking at your door
in a suit that’s double-breasted
I was forwarded a message
that my services are requested
Don’t be a prickly little snot,
Don’t be a snotty little prick.
Don’t make me put you in a headlock
and smear your mouth (your mouth)* *sung by Gospel choir
sloppily (sloppily)
with your momma’s (with your momma’s, ooohh, ooohhh)
red lipstick.

(Verse 2)

I feared the light.
I liked a brand.
I sewed glove from a sow’s ear
that could fit on either hand.

I painted your toes.
I rode a bull.
So I wouldn’t have to speak
I made sure my mouth was always full.

I fed the cat.
I rubbed my tummy.
I bludgeoned a ventriloquist
then was beat up by his dummy.

I lobbed grenades.
I rang a bell.
I took a stray back to the pound
because I didn’t like his smell.

(Chorus)

Now I come knocking at your door
in a suit that’s double-breasted
I was forwarded a message
that my services are requested
Don’t be a prickly little snot,
Don’t be a snotty little prick.
Don’t make me put you in a headlock
and smear your mouth (your mouth)
sloppily (sloppily)
with your momma’s (with your momma’s, ooohh, ooohhh)
red lipstick.

(Bridge)

When I thought I was reaching heaven
it was the worst of all I’ve sinned.
When I thought I was breakin’ hearts
I was only breaking wind.

Now I’m opening my eyes
over fifty times an hour

I’m done with chasing happy endings
underneath a golden shower

(Fiddle Solo)

(Verse 3)

I crashed a boat.
I cast a hex.
I isolated chromosomes.
I paid a clown for sex.

I listened loosely.
I stared away.
I offered you my belly lint
when there was nothing to say.

I joined a cult.
I pet a cloud.
I got tossed out of the ballet
because my cheering was too loud.

I courted death.
I courted ruin.
I learned to sign my name
in a Middle Earth dwarf rune.

(Chorus)

Now I come knocking at your door
in a suit that’s double-breasted
I was forwarded a message
that my services are requested
Don’t be a prickly little snot,
Don’t be a snotty little prick.
Don’t make me put you in a headlock
and smear your mouth (your mouth)
sloppily (sloppily)
with your momma’s (with your momma’s, ooohh, ooohhh)
red lipstick.
Don’t be a prickly little snot,
Don’t be a snotty little prick.
Don’t make me put you in a headlock
and smear your mouth (your mouth)
sloppily (sloppily)
with your momma’s (with your momma’s, ooohh, ooohhh)
red lipstick.

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