Everybody’s Talking About Kale

Everybody is talking about kale
and how everyone’s also talking about how
EVERYONE who is anyone is talking about kale.

         *      *      *      *      *

Everyone from Jennifer Aniston to Victoria Beckham is talking about kale.
Kurly Kale talks about no bake dessert kale.
Roi Shlomo of Kale Me Crazy talks about kale.
Bo Muller-Moore of Vermont thinks everyone should eat more kale.
Martha Stewart talks about how Kale is King.

Are you curious about what kale is?

         *      *      *      *      *

Kale is a member of the cancer-fighting cruciferous family of vegetables.
Kale is one of the leading nutrient power houses of all the greens.
Kale is an unsung hero.
Kale is the wind that’s never seen.
Kale is the ingredient that imparts that lovely Hulk-green hue to everything.
Kale is the ideal of freedom, peace, and happiness among and within all nations and/or people.
Kale is known to be a world within a dream, but with actual effects on the real world – serving as the today and the tomorrow, as well as the todays and tomorrows of the past.

Ahh kale!
RAY LIOTTA’s favorite green, nutrient-dense veggie!

         *      *      *      *      *

People are always talking a big kale game,
but a lot of people are all kale hat and
no kale cattle.

         *      *      *      *      *

But let’s be honest – kale is a problematic vegetable.

No it isn’t!
It’s perfect!!!!!

         *      *      *      *      *

Kool Kale Fact #1: St. Paul’s Third Letter to the Thessalonians didn’t make it into the New Testament because it was written on kale and eaten by Roman legionnaires hungry for the next super-food.

         *      *      *      *      *

And now a question for Miss Nebraska. Miss Nebraska, why buy the farm if you can get the kale for free?

I would buy the farm even if I could get the kale for free because I would apply the methods of modern agriculture to produce a higher yield of kale per acre, and this is why I would buy the farm even if I could get the kale for free. Thank you.

         *      *      *      *      *

It’s not the size of the kale, it’s the motion of the
multiple nutrients and enzymes going into your system after eating kale.

         *      *      *      *      *

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

No one but the leafy green cruciferous vegetable everyone is talking about.

Kale?

No. Ray Charles.

Really?

No.

So, wait. It is really kale and not Ray Charles?

Damn straight, baby! Kale’s here to make you feel good!

         *      *      *      *      *

In case you haven’t heard about it –
Kale, kale, kale, kale, kale.

         *      *      *      *      *

I’m pretty new to kale.
I’m pretty green, like kale.
I’m also naturally shy –
but kale turns me into a social butterfly
eager to “have a little chat” with everyone I see
about kale.

         *      *      *      *      *

And if I ate kale, who would hear me
eating kale. Even if the angels
held me close to their bosom I’d say,
“Sorry, I don’t do dairy. So I’ll must
respectfully pass on your angel breast milk.
But I will have some more kale.”

         *      *      *      *      *

“Kale?” you ask.

Kale. Yes, I’m talking about the vegetable. It’s so hot right now!
As such, we’re going to talk a little more about it!

         *      *      *      *      *

You can’t talk about kale without talking about cabbage.
And you can’t talk about kale without talking about a compilation of our favorite Kale recipes.

That’s just how things are.
Why try to fight it?

         *      *      *      *      *

Theologians have surmised that if Eve had only eaten kale, we’d all still be in the Garden of Eden – which was, with the exception of the Tree of Forbidden Knowledge, made up entirely of kale – all eating kale. Of course, this assumes that at some point Adam and Eve would have figured out how to “get busy.”

         *      *      *      *      *

This weekend Kale Koncerts presents the “Everyone Loves Kale” Festival, a three day orgy of kale, music, kale, live bands, kale and kale, featuring: The Kale Steady, Cold Kale Kids, My Morning Kale, My Chemical Kale, Cymbols Eat Kale, Say Hi to Your Kale, Mission of Kale, Kale Ubu, Guided By Kale, Nine Inch Kale, K.A.L.E., Insane Kale Posse, Kale! At the Disco, Clap Your Hands Say Kale, Kale Against the Machine, Kalegarden, Sonic Kale, Kale for Lashes, Kaleplay, Kalehead, The Kale, The Kale U.K. and The Kales.

         *      *      *      *      *

I know. I get it. I get it. Everyone wants kale.
Kale. Kale. Kale. Kale. Kale.

Exactly!

         *      *      *      *      *

If you don’t remember what I’m talking about
I’ll share it with you

It’s KALE!

         *      *      *      *      *

Are you kale-curious?
Are you sure?
Not even a little?

         *      *      *      *      *

Just because you see a magnificent,
hot, steamy piece of kale and think
to yourself, “Man, that Kale is one handsome vegetable!”
doesn’t make you any less of a carnivore.

If you see a magnificent,
hot, steamy piece of kale and think
To yourself, “Man, that Kale is one handsome vegetable!
What I wouldn’t give to have that kale up my ass!”
that doesn’t necessarily make you any less of a carnivore either.
You just happen to REALLY like cruciferous vegetables up your ass.

         *      *      *      *      *

What did you do this weekend?…
Oh, that’s nice…
Me?…
Oh, I just spent the weekend
REDISCOVERING KALE IN ALL ITS FORMS!

         *      *      *      *      *

Alex Rodriquez Kale Public Service Announcement – take #15:

“You won’t catch me talking with farmers I trust at markets
about anabolic steroid snacks.

No way.

No, when I’m talking with farmers I trust at markets I’m talking about
Kale…”

Now where’s that juice you promised me?

         *      *      *      *      *

Sick to death of kale?

That’s impossible!

         *      *      *      *      *

I’ve heard everyone who has massaged kale salad raves about it.

         *      *      *      *      *

I daresay
– kale!

         *      *      *      *      *

Kale, I presume?

         *      *      *      *      *

I’m not trying to make everyone crazy, but
Kale! Kale! Kale! Kale! Kale! Kale! Kale!

         *      *      *      *      *

Everyone should have kale.
Kale is not a privilege; it’s a right!

         *      *      *      *      *

And a question for Miss South Carolina. Miss South Carolina, some say that Kale is not a privilege; it’s a right. What do you think?

I believe that Kale is not a privilege, it’s a right because eating healthful foods that provide health to our bodies – you can’t be more right than that and it’s only right that kale be a part of providing health to ourselves. This is why I say that that Kale is not a privilege, it’s a right. Thank you.

         *      *      *      *      *

Kool Kale Fact: #2:
Every 14 days, McDonald’s could have fed EVERYONE in the United States kale.

         *      *      *      *      *

Everyone talks about the stink of kale, but I just never smell it
Maybe it’s because I’ve been bathing in a big colorful kale lake
for the last 16 years.

         *      *      *      *      *

I really like kale salad, and I want to keep making and talking about kale salads.
But I also really like kale chips, and I want to keep making and talking about kale chips.
Why must life be so impossibly difficult?!

         *      *      *      *      *

Everyone keeps talking about Kale,
How kale is crispy when lightly fried in a pan.
How kale is cold when keep refrigerated.
How kale is everyone’s favorite vegetable
So, it’s that time again, everyone!

KALE!!!!!

         *      *      *      *      *

That’s no miracle,
that’s kale!

         *      *      *      *      *

Does the prisoner have any final words?

Well, there were a few points about the health benefits of kale I’d like to make…

         *      *      *      *      *

It’s been a bit too long since I’ve talked much about my old friend kale.

         *      *      *      *      *

Happy 5-6 stalks of kale everyone!

         *      *      *      *      *

What I talk about when I talk about kale is kale.
What I talk about when I talk about pencils is kale.
When I seem to be gurgling and spurting blood from a pencil sticking out of my jugular, this is a sign that I would desire more kale.

         *      *      *      *      *

Can we talk about kale chips for a minute?
An hour?
Days?
Months?

You bet we can!!!!!

         *      *      *      *      *

Do you take this man and promise to talk about kale with him
And eat kale with him all the days of your life until; death
or a shortage of kale do you part?

MMM…hmmm…

What?

Sorry, I was just eating some kale. What was the question again?

         *      *      *      *      *

Here’s the move in a nutshell, CJ. A kale shortage incites widespread panic, but a superhero crashes an asteroid made of kale into the earth – right on top of North Korea. That’s just the first 10 minutes. The rest of the movie is a 3-hour Terrence Malik-like meandering montage-filled meditation on kale. Whatd’ya think? Green light city! Am I right? Am I right?

         *      *      *      *      *

I can never get enough kale.

You too?

         *      *      *      *      *

It is not the critic of kale who counts; not the kale-less man who points out how kale lovers stumble, or where the eater of kale could have eaten kale better. The kale belongs to the man who is actually in the arena with the kale, whose face is marred by kale, and sweat and kale juice; who strives valiantly to eat kale; who enjoys kale, who comes short again and again, because he did not buy enough kale; there is no effort without kale; kale lovers actually strive to do the deeds kale requires; they know great enthusiasm for kale, the great devotion to kale; they at the best know in the end the triumph of kale, and at the worst, if they fail, they at least fail while eating kale, so that their place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know kale nor any really cool kale recipes even kids would love.
– Theodore Roosevelt

         *      *      *      *      *

Question: Why doesn’t everyone achieve the level of success they want?
Answer: They don’t want success – they want kale!

         *      *      *      *      *

I never thought I’d be writing a letter like this. It started with the dinosaur kale. We both reached for the last piece at the same time and our hands touched. Soon we were heading up the stairs, then the next thing you know were we in bed together pulling our clothes off and putting on our “Eat More Kale” t-shirts and talking to our peers via Skype about each others’ love of kale.

         *      *      *      *      *

I love kale, kale, kale, kale, kale and kale,
though not necessarily in that order.

         *      *      *      *      *

I thought this would be a good time to talk about kale.

         *      *      *      *      *

There’s an old saying down in Cuba:
“In Cuba, everyone is Cuban,
but, if you scratch beneath the surface,
everyone is really kale.”

         *      *      *      *      *

You know how to talk about kale don’t you Steve?

Ummm…you just put you lips together, then open you lips and start talking about kale?

You do know! Well I’ll be a monkey’s hairbrush!

         *      *      *      *      *

Ever find there’s a food out there in the world called kale?

Sure did!!!!

         *      *      *      *      *

The Kaleman Cometh is a tautly written drama, so full of vim and vigor and essential nutrients that you can almost forgive its rather formulaic dramatic arc: Boys buys kale. Boys loses kale. Boy goes to Whole Foods and spends another $70 on kale.

         *      *      *      *      *

Thanks everyone for all your prayers, but at this point, what we really need most of all is kale.

         *      *      *      *      *

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking,
“You’re already talking the talk… wanna’ walk the walk?” .
Well, if the walk involves eating kale or talking about kale,
I’m all in.

         *      *      *      *      *

I am most stimulated if foreplay is started with fresh kale.
– Sigmund Freud

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It’s not you or I who makes the kale sweeter,
It’s the kale.

         *      *      *      *      *

I have a new obsession.
As you might have guessed,
it’s kale.

         *      *      *      *      *

Who gives a fuck about The Alamo?
Don’t forget the kale!
– George W. Bush

         *      *      *      *      *

Kale Grit Fritters. Kale grit fritters, here.
Get your kale grit fritters here.
Extra-tastey kale grit fritters.
Kale grit fritters. Kale grit fritters, here…

         *      *      *      *      *

If 2012 could easily have been named “the year of kale,” this year, experts agree, will be even easier to name “the year of kale.”

         *      *      *      *      *

“The 20th Century may have been the American Century, but already it has been firmly established that the 21st Century is the Kale Century.”
– Sarah Palin

         *      *      *      *      *

Maybe I should be talking about kale more.
and also using that time to eat more kale.

         *      *      *      *      *

Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don’t anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. Now, I just to blend in by talking about kale.

         *      *      *      *      *

We’re hear at the Actor’s Studio with Robert DeNiro talking about method acting and kale…

         *      *      *      *      *

Leave the spinach. Take the Kale.

         *      *      *      *      *

A long talk on the phone with an old friend
can both do you good as long as you’re eating kale
while you talk about kale.

         *      *      *      *      *

Have I ever told you
I adore kale?

         *      *      *      *      *

Tweeting about kale is OK, I guess.

But talking about kale through the screen 140 characters at a time
is not nearly the same as talking with someone about kale face-to-face
while stuffing kale into their mouths.

         *      *      *      *      *

Gimme a K!
K!
Gimme an A!
A!
Gimme an L!
L!
Gimme an E!
What’s the spell?
KALE!
I can’t hear you.
KALE!

         *      *      *      *      *

You can have Jesus or Barabous.

Give us kale! Give us kale!

         *      *      *      *      *

I cannot talk about our time in Hawaii without talking about God’s hands when HE put kale on the table

         *      *      *      *      *

If you had told me a few years ago that I’d be liking kale, I’d have been
in a coma. Fortunately, I came out of it with the help of kale and have been eating kale ever since.

         *      *      *      *      *

Gwyneth Paltrow Kale PSA take #7:

“Have you had ‘the talk’ with your kids yet?
Not everyone is comfortable talking about it.
But it’s is our responsibility to talk to our kids about talking about kale…”

         *      *      *      *      *

Last week, I got a bunch of kale in my
bite-sized pieces of Kale
and was SO SO SO SO SO SO happy!

         *      *      *      *      *

Rainy weekend blues?
Why not get a group of friends together
and host an event everyone will be talking about the next day
because everyone will be talking about kale at your event?

         *      *      *      *      *

Theological nutritionists agree that Jesus most likely ate kale.

         *      *      *      *      *

Most Christians believe that Jesus rose from the dead and will return to earth to gather kale.
(Leave enough for everyone else Jesus!!)

         *      *      *      *      *

Kale. Kale. Kale.
Such a beautiful trilogy!

         *      *      *      *      *

For all you folks with your WWJD bumper-stickers
I got a news flash for ya’.
The question ain’t “What would Jesus do?”
The question is “What would Jesus do after eating kale?”
That’s WWJDAEK for y’all not so good with the spelling.

         *      *      *      *      *

What would Jesus do after eating kale?
He would eat more kale.

         *      *      *      *      *

Originally, the Sirens tempted Odysseus with kale by singing
“Yo-hoo! Sailor boy! We have fresh kale over here!”
by Homer left this out of The Odyssey because the Goddess Hestia
threatened to make all kale taste like chicken to him if he didn’t
do a rewrite.

         *      *      *      *      *

Eating kale and talking about kale is where you connect with your true divinity.
– The Dalaii Lamma

         *      *      *      *      *

A baby is born with kale in her hand.
An orphan says that Dr. Dre has priorities above music at the moment,
namely, kale.
A troubled teenager uses kale to sponge up and trap organic contaminants in nature.
What more proof is needed?

         *      *      *      *      *

What could be more exciting than watching kale grow?
Watching twice the amount of kale you are watching grow
grow.

         *      *      *      *      *

According to a 2012 poll of Physics World readers, the “most beautiful experiment” in physics is simply watching Scarlett Johanson eat kale.

         *      *      *      *      *

Like what you see?
Eat kale!
Venture out into the world with kale!
Gather more kale!
Eat more kale!
Tell everyone how you love kale!

Leave a comment

2 Comments

  1. Steve Trimble

     /  July 29, 2013

    I. Have. Never. EVER. Eaten. Kale.
    Mind blown. You’re welcome.

    Reply
    • Steve, what is really bizarre is that I haven’t either. Or hadn’t when I wrote this. I’ve since tried kale chips. They have an odd “they immediately disintegrate into a pile of powder on your tongue” mouthfeel. But after reading so much about kale, I certainly felt I had!

      Reply

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