Just Think With a Little Luck and the Skill of a Good Surgeon

It is not the job of an astrologer to dip the souls of Red Sox fans into a nice long flea bath, but any little bit helps.

That’s no way to paint a horse red.

Our patented formula makes it rough on the face, but easy on the eyes.

It takes a chicken of unusual skill and talent to peck out a man blindfolded.

With all this gravy, there must be mashed potatoes in here somewhere!

Sometimes it takes a fourth third to makes things whole.

The board room IS the woodshed!

Red, that’s no way to paint a horse.

So I tells ’em “I’m gonna pull your dance card to the right, to the right, to the right, then right out the door!”

If that’s the hand you’re dealt, then dry it – no one likes to shake a wet hand.

The knots never came loose.
The Knack never got got.
The Knodel never tasted better.
The nudnick never got a lot.

That’s no first cello, that’s my mother!

Of course, it’s possible to just bake and cook and that’s a pity.

It’s hard to know how the normal body temperature for a moose is 101-102 degrees through firsthand experience but I do.

Our far worse options have never been so good!

You can have any type of soup you want as long as it’s a sandwich.

Just think with a little luck and the skill of a good surgeon.

The contention that prison and punishment are optimal environmental circumstances consequently depreciates and lessons the value of the Uniform Commercial Code.

Always saying that when this is right there in front of you.

That makes about as much sense as puffs of meat on an all-smoke menu served with a side of plumed tomatoes.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we bolder / then we wouldn’t have to say we’re wrong.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we were colder / then we wouldn’t have to wear sarongs.

You act as if you’ve never seen a mind reader using spatulas or wooden paddles before.

Time heals all wounds, but the phantom pain that comes with persistent memory can be a real bitch.

“But newspapermen do it!” is no excuse.

It may seem unorthodox, but we have used this exact wad of gum in family therapy many, many times.

Thanks for your generosity, but I don’t smoke a pipe.

Ten million fireflies don’t make a lightbulb – they make a pestilence or, depending on their concentration, make breathing very difficult.

You don’t choose slaughter, slaughter chooses you.

Hi, I’m new to the forum. Anyone got any ideas on how to boil an egg without the egg? TIA.

Unlike our competitors, A Chicken In Every CanTM brand canned chicken guarantees 6 oz. of chicken in every 10 oz. can.

A chicken in every automobile could get messy.

What if I threw in the water with the river? How about I throw the dirt in with the land? It’s a furnished house and, while, normally I’d charge extra for the added expense of including the rooms, you kids remind me of me and the Mrs. when we were starting out, so…

after Charles Bernstein

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