my estranged hard-drinking homicide cop

my estranged hard-drinking homicide cop
here’s a Filthy Bouncing farewell to
your plucky filth-sack
of a kebab shop
here’s a Stinky Hopping goodbye to
you stink-bomb of a hoagie shack
here’s Slimey Sliming send-off to
your slime-shack of a slop shop

my estranged hard-drinking homicide cop
we bake our bread in separate ovens –
yours uses heat generated by electric coils or flaming gas
mine uses water vapor and invisible magic heating beads
my bread is better than yours because
yours always burns
since you only bake when you’re drunk,
and when it doesn’t burn
it’s just cold dough
with a bunch of weird shit in it
like your gun or your badge
or an evidence bag containing
broken eyeglasses, cigarette butts
or a finger.

my estranged hard-drinking homicide cop,
I have a lot of animals
they dry out like raisins
sometimes they crawl into drainage systems
and swell to the size of prunes
and they become lost
and when we go out to find them
you never find them –
you who’s supposed to be the big shot detective!

my estranged hard-drinking homicide cop
I have been
in your presence
sometimes
i have been in a mob that was confused by
normal everyday activities like drinking water
using barbarous idioms
pulling illegal hunters in a wagon –
let’s just say it wasn’t paradise
let alone a paradise with 70 virgins.

my estranged hard-drinking homicide cop
before I got serious with
a sponge insert that you can soak in
I had a long talk with pounds of
my eyelids
and we agreed
it may be a good idea to tie the
the world down
just like you do
wearing
a chemical Bikini –
maybe I could even do it better
standing on a hilltop made of water
shaped like a pair of boots
saying down to the people
through the gleam and sparkle
of the tips of my toes
“i had no idea
demons were so ancient a species…”

my estranged hard-drinking homicide cop
I’ve heard the last of your excuses
“…because I love the genuine scent of Lady Gaga…”
“…because pink fairy dust sometimes is just cocaine with a little pink dye added in…”
“…because sometimes a model soldier will get into trouble because of his or her love for
a frozen platypus as he gets hot with his Love Teeth … ”

my estranged hard-drinking homicide cop
I would walk every week
through rural regions
wearing my jeans out until they fall from my body
like blue paint dripping from my buttocks
to be rid of your monkey that shits everywhere

my estranged hard-drinking homicide cop
I have to ask
do you have
what the doctors call
an “undefined neurological disorder”.
that makes you feel like a
great block of ice that keeps melting

my estranged hard-drinking homicide cop
although you serve the same function
you are not exactly
the same as pit latrines or makeshift squat-holes
for they will be forgiven
and you will not

my estranged hard-drinking homicide cop
can you imagine your life without
my laser-beam,
without my clean house of love & light,
like, you can’t imagine life without it
can you, you little dummy?

my estranged hard-drinking homicide cop
what’s a cute necklace
without you?
I’m ready to find out.

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