The Third Oldest Story in the Book

It’s the third oldest story in the book. The Boy has a giant head (4’3” circumference). His 3rd grade classmates with normal-sized heads mercilessly taunt him. There’s an incurable plague spreading across the land. One day, at recess, The Boy trips over some branches, bangs his head open, and a substance resembling orange pulp comes oozing out of the back of his giant head.  A victim of the plague, identifiable by the green and black spotting, comes out of the woods. Jen, a spoiled rich girl who’s always offering classmates $5 to eat disgusting things, points to the orange goop pooling around the The Boy’s head and says to the plague victim, “I’ll give you $5 if you eat that.” The plague victim eats the orange substance and in less than a minute is immediately cured. The Boy becomes a hero after the orange goop inside of his giant head is synthesized into an vaccine. The Boy becomes fabulously wealthy thanks to an uncle who is a patent attorney rockstar.  At age 17 he crashes his car while driving home drunk from a party, killing himself and 3 schoolmates, one of whom is Jen, who is now his girlfriend, though still a total bitch.

The Note from Tex

letter

The Oldest Story in the Book

It’s the oldest story in the book. She’s a firefighter. He’s a vet tech. She has a friend who works in an erotic bakery. He has a friend who consumes an entire rotisserie chicken each day – and nothing else. They begin their ride down the rapids in a boat. Years later, when the boat finally reaches shore, it’s empty except for a fossilized gingerbread penis and some chicken bones.

Fragments of the Teachings (From the Q.2 Texts – [12’9″-7’8″])

do not ask
does the widow
come with the lighthouse?

do not ask
does the widow
come to the lighthouse
less often to remember?

ask yourselves
who comes to a lighthouse
guided by its light
knowing fully well
it has been abandoned for years?

and so I say to you
do not be ghosthunters
do not make it your purpose
to follow hollow ghosts

*      *      *      *      *

you who look for larger lights
in darkness, be content with
your pinprick, your pocket flashlight,
your brief match, your bonfire of bags
and rags

if there were a lighthouse
in every backyard
would the ships
become less confused?
would the troubled of sleep
not need to blacken their windows
or get much thicker drapes?
and what then would be
the morning light
when they finally do
awaken?

The Miracle of the Tractor

1And it came that The Master and his followers were walking through farm country.

2They came upon a cornfield and saw a farmer attempting to repair a tractor.

3“Farmer, what is wrong with your tractor?” asked The Master.

4“It just conked out all of a sudden,” said the farmer. “I’ve been running it pretty hard all morning.”

5The Master touched the engine of the tractor.

6He turned to the farmer and said, “Farmer, get up in your seat and start your tractor.”

7The farmer did as the Master had said and the tractor immediately started.

8Then The Master said to his Followers, “I have come to help to bring the harvest home, for the corn must not lie fallow in fields when my children are starving.”

9“Actually, this is all going to ethanol production,” said the farmer.

10The Master turned and stared at the tractor until it started billowing thick black smoke and came to stop with a thunderous groan, never to be driven again.

11“But Master, will not the corn now lie fallow?” asked Pieter.

12“The corn has already gone to those who need it,” said the Master.

13And his Followers looked at the cornstalks and saw that miraculously all of the ears of corn had been picked bare.

14“What the fuck?” said the farmer. “Who the hell are you? What did you do to my Deere?”

15But the Master and his followers had already moved on.

Things I Will Not Tell My Child: What Happens When You Tell a Lie

Every time you tell a lie, a little boy in India will grows a second toe.

This is the same little boy in India who spontaneously loses all of his toes but one when Ryan Douglas – who’s your age and lives in Tallmadge, Ohio – tells a lie.

You and Ryan Douglas must never meet.

Dream Writing

Your senses begin on a farm. You are friends with the Armstrongs, Louis and Neil. The more they talk, the more your hair grows. You feel sluggish and confused. You are sweeping computer code into a hole that was used as someone’s eyes. There is an assumption that has been spirited away. You wipe down the water with your hands the same way. There is a stack of parts for night sleep. There is the wind equipment. There is an almost silence that can never be allowed. All the things before beginning are requested. There is a means that solves away. You spark your grounded. There is a waver you hold until you find the spot. Your stares hold you in the search. The flies shift and you understand the before.

To Can or Not to Can (or “How Canning Has Me Loving Myself Again”)

I love knowing how to can.

It’s worked wonders for my self-esteem.

Whenever I see a puppy or kitten my first instinct is to can it, but then I say,
“No, Gracie. No. You’re merciful now, remember?”

I smile as I bend down to pet the little critter.

It thinks I am smiling at it, but I guess I’m really smiling at myself,
basking in the warm glow of my own inherent goodness, knowing that,
once again, I have made the right decision.

Amendments to an Optional Alarm

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If you are in a High-ambient sensing configuration that bypasses the latest generation radio sting, provides an absolute first disconnect Non-intrusive Smart Sentinel soft shot Compatibility, responds to an unauthorized opening of acoustic and visual compartments adjusted for solid-states-of-duress with optional man-down manual pull station false alarm (shelved or unshelved) to all permissions given, below, Fill explanation or supervise according to breakdown.

Plaque at South Dakota Landmark for Rev. Nicholas Barnstable, Once Called “The American St. Patrick”

The Reverend Nicholas Barnstable at one time was considered to be “The American St. Patrick” for his work in converting countless scores of Plains Indians to Christianity.

Whereas St. Patrick used the shamrock to explain to the Irish people the great mystery of the Holy Trinity, how the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit can be three distinct spiritual entities, yet form a single spiritual entity, Barnstable did not have the shamrock
(non-indigenous to the Great Plains) to fall back on.

Legend has it that Barnstable was sitting on a hill contemplating how to explain the Holy Trinity when he noticed the black plume of smoke coming over the horizon. While others would have recognized it as merely “The Ole 315 from Kansas City,” Barnstable, in his religious fervor, interpreted it as divine intervention and praised all three members of the Holy Trinity simultaneously by shouting, “Thank you Lord for this sign!”

Barnstable substituted the train for St. Patrick’s shamrock, using it explain the mystery of the Holy Trinity to the Indians by pointing to how the engine, the coal car and the caboose are distinct entities, yet form a single train.

The turning point for Barnstable came one day when a Sioux brave innocently asked, “If the Father is the Engine and the Son is the caboose and the Holy Spirit is the coal car, then who is the dining car?”

Barnstable thought deeply on the subject and independently expanded the Holy Trinity into a “Holy Octet,” adding “The Mother,” “The Divine Wind,” “The All-Seeing Eye,” “The Sandman,” and “Average Joe”, to account for the dining car, smoking car, observation car, sleeping car, and passenger car respectively.

Rev. Barnstable was hung on this spot on October 5, 1853 by a special joint Methodist/Baptist/Catholic apostasy posse.