Observations Regarding Birds by Robert Durst (to be read using your best Robert Durst imitation)

Sometimes a happy bird lands on your shoulder
and it stays there singing happily away –
and maybe it’s a day you’re not necessarily
in the mood for that chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp
and it starts to drive you a little crazy.

You try to shoo it away
but it stays there.
No matter how many times
you say “Shoo!”
or you tell it,
“You NEED to
You need to be
“This has got to stop NOW –
The bird is still there.

So when nothing happens,
if the bird will not listen to reason,
well then you are at the point where
you have to take the matter
into YOUR OWN hands.
And you squeeze that bird
until it stops singing.

If it’s a small bird,
like a sparrow or a robin,
you dispose of the cadaver –
because who walks around
with a dead bird in their hands?

If it’s a bigger bird,
like a partridge or a cornish hen,
or a REALLY bigger bird
like a chicken or a turkey,
well, that’s great,
then you have your dinner
for the evening right there
and you didn’t even need to go
to Wegmans.
Maybe it’s your lucky day after all.

Who would have thought.

Why Should I Join a Cannibalistic Death Cult?

So you’re thinking of joining a cannibalistic death cult or maybe your mom or friend is forcing you, either way you’ve come to Cannibalistic Death Cult Ever After, so joining a cannibalistic death cult is on your mind!

Why should you join a cannibalistic death cult?

Going back a few years to the moment we decided to join, we asked ourselves a million questions:

Do I really need to “pay” to hang out with people who believe in eating the flesh of other humans? Will I even like the taste of human flesh, the thrill of participating ritual murders and my fellow cannibalistic death cult members? What’s in it for me other than a steady supply of high-grade, lean protein? Will it get in the way of school and work?

But going through cannibalistic death cult recruitment, becoming a collegiate member and finally moving into alumna status; it is easy for us to reflect on the importance of our decision to murder innocents in a ritualistic fashion and consume their flesh.

Of course you are going to college to create a great life for yourself and your future – good for you! It is a fantastic decision, but it’s not only your major or GPA that gets you that interview or job, it is all the extra things you do – from scouting out abandoned churches to sharing a new recipe for flavorful human flesh jerky.

A cannibalistic death cult gives you the assertiveness, the “anything’s possible” attitude, and the total lack of respect for the value of human life you need to be successful in the “real world.”

A cannibalistic death cult is a great place to network with alumnae that work in a field that may be your interest area and allows you that extra step/ push that others might not have – and if they do, you can simply consume them. Cannibalistic death cult alumnae can open doors for you with internship opportunities, job interviews, or even just the often overlooked advice to guide you in the right direction for a steady supply of victims to ritually kill and feast upon.

Cannibalistic death cults give you opportunities to be very active in the community and have a higher meaning in this life by dispatching others into the next life. From raising money to giving your time, you’ll see how much of an impact you, your cannibalistic death cult chapter, and cannibalistic death cults as a whole have on the world around us.

Leadership is hands down the most vital reason to join. Many people can get straight A’s but can you lead a group of 60+ cannibalistic death cult members, all the while balancing school, family, friends, etc? Cannibalistic death cults give you the opportunity to exhibit and grow your skill set. Even if you don’t see yourself becoming the president of a cannibalistic death cult chapter one day, you’ll still have opportunities to take part in numerous committees or hold officer positions. Most presidents and officers never pictured themselves as holding that position when they joined their cannibalistic death cult chapter. Imagine this; YOU could be the next social or recruitment chair!

And of course, cannibalistic death cults are FUN! Why do anything if you’re not going to have fun – right? There are dances, sleepovers, events, parties, mixers and a million other fun things to do aside from ritual slaughter and consumption. You’re bound to meet – and eat – tons of new people. Whether it’s elderly nuns, pizza boys, or members from another cannibalistic death cult, you’ll make new friends almost every time you whip out your ritual kill knife.

We could go on and on about why you should take the leap to find your cannibalistic death cult ever after, but you have to make the final decision. At least try out recruitment and go from there.

Happy killing and bon appetit!

Kali, Nephthys and Hectate

For this piece, I appropriated the base text from http://sororityeverafter.com/reasons-to-join-a-sorority/ , changed every instance of “sorority” to “cannibalistic death cult” and tweaked the resulting text.

A 5-Paragraph Essay on Why the Killer in Me Is Not the Killer in You (for Billy Corgan)

          The killer in me is not the killer in you. There are numerous reasons why this is so, foremost of which are vast differences in appearance, modus operandi, and choice of companion animal. These differences leave no doubt that the killer in me is not the killer in you.
          First off, the killer in me and the killer in you look nothing alike. The killer in me looks like Lenny Kravitz if Lenny Kravitz had been cast in the original Mod Squad – which is to say, the killer in me looks a lot like Lenny Kravitz. The killer in you resembles Mrs. Havisham from Great Expectations right down to the goiter. Since they bear so little resemblance to each other, it is impossible that the killer in me can be the killer in you.
          Next, we turn to their radically different methods of killing. The killer in me approaches his victims on public streets, asks for directions to the nearest dry cleaners, and then nonchalantly blows a poison blow dart directly into their left eye. It is always the left eye and it it always a direct hit in the center of the eye – he never misses. The killer in you lures plumbers and handymen into her basement/dungeon/kill room and, after rendering them senseless with a tranquilizing spray, hoists them up onto a flogging station with the aid of a winch (as the killer in you is weak and enfeebled) whereupon she proceeds to flog them to death with a cat o’nine tails. Clearly, these are not the modus operandi of the same killer.
          Finally, we come to the choice of companion animals. For his companion animal, the killer in me has a Shiba-inu/wolf-dog named Kenji. Kenji is never allowed to feast on the flesh of the killer in me’s victims. The companion animal of the killer in you is a Siamese cat named Dash-Dash (pronounced “dash, dash, dash”). The killer in you takes great delight in watching Dash-Dash devour the flesh of her victims until only bloodied bone is left. Simply put, different companion animals – different killers.
          In conclusion, the killer in me is not the killer in you. Since they have widely divergent appearances, share no common modus operandi, and have diametrically opposed companion animals, there is no doubt whatsoever that the killer in me is not the killer in you. To insist otherwise is folly.

Tell Us About Your RightLite AutoGlass Experience

My windshield had been hit by a random rock on the commute, and after driving around for 2 days watching the crack widen, I finally reconciled myself with the fact that I needed to get it replaced. I mentioned my dilemma to a work associate and she said, “You should call RightLite. They’ll come out and replace your windshield right here at work.” That sounded great to me!

After checking with my insurance company, I made the appointment online and waited for the ladies at the front desk to call and tell me your service guy arrived.

I got the call in about a half-hour – amazingly fast.

Walking out to our front parking lot, I guess I expected to be faced with middle-aged guy with some middle-aged paunch named Bart, or Guy – maybe even Gus – but boy was I surprised to see who was there waiting for me.

I did not expect baby pandas!

Those four little fellas were so friggin’ awesome! Now, I don’t consider myself the type to go ga-ga over “cutesiness.” Photos of kittens and puppies doing their amusing little kitten and puppies things – they generally have me going “OK, it’s a kitten.” But these little guys were SO cute and SO cuddly I just couldn’t help myself! The largest one, who seemed to be the foreman, knew just the right amount of time to let me with cuddle them before giving me the hint that it was time to let them get to work.

And work they did! They worked those little panda asses off – or whatever they have back there.

They told me it would be about an hour and a half, but at the 45-minute mark – yes, I was timing it – the front desk called and said “The baby pandas say your windshield’s done.”

Wow! Cute, cuddly and they finish their work early?

I knew some kind of tip was order, but I never have cash on me anymore, so I looked around and I just happened to have 4 cans of tuna on a shelf in my cube. I figured that would do just fine. Only thing is, I didn’t know whether I should open the cans prior to handing them over or let them open them themselves. I decided on the latter.

The baby panda foreman was polite when I offered him the tuna, striking just the right tone between “No, really, that’s not necessary” and “Fuck yeah! We love tuna!”

(And it turns out my instinct was correct – baby pandas prefer opening the cans on their own.)

Needless to say, I hope I don’t need to replace my windshield any time soon, but if I do, no doubt I will be calling you guys again and I will be definitely recommending your service to anyone in need of windshield replacement.

FAQs for Crano-Shock

What is Crano-ShockTM?

Crano-ShockTM is the only over the counter medication which claims to function like a shock absorber for the brain.

How does Crano-ShockTM work?

Crano-ShockTM‘s patent pending formula builds a springy wall of fresh neural tissue between the frontal cortex and the inner cranial wall that acts as a soft, force-absorbing cushion during high-impact hits.

Hold on, I’m not a brain-surgeon. Words like “neural tissue,” “cortex” and “cranial” scare and confuse me. Can you please explain in a way I can understand?


Imagine what happens to an egg dropped from height of 3 feet onto a concrete floor. If you imagined “Splat!,” you’re right.

Now take that same egg, but, just before releasing it, slide in a 2 1/2-foot high pillow underneath it? What happens now? No splat, just safe.

But my brain is already in my head and the likelihood that it would be taken out and dropped dropped from a 3 foot height is remote. Can you give a better example?

No problem.

Imagine an egg in a 1/2 gallon cooking pot filled with water. The egg is sloshing around. Accelerate that cooking pot into a brick wall so that the crash impact is approximately 40 mph. What’s left after impact? If you said a “yucky broken egg stuff floating in water”, you’re right.

Now imagine an egg in that same water-filled pot BUT with a soft pillow INSIDE the pot surrounding the egg. What’s left after impact? If you said “a nice egg,” “an egg fit for the King of England himself” or any phrase that suggests the egg remains unbroken and intact – then you’re right!

Is Crano-ShockTM dangerous?

Just the opposite. Head injuries are dangerous. Football is dangerous. Crano-ShockTM is about taking the danger out of impact trauma to the brain so you the user can engage in more and more violent impact trauma to the brain.

Wait…um…going back a couple questions up…What happens to the rest of my brain? Like, does my brain shrink?

That depends on your definition of the word “shrink”. Without going into complicated jargon about brain physiology and physics involving the conservation and displacement of matter, etc., etc., etc. we’re confident that when you start using Crano-ShockTM, your brain will have the same number of neurons and other “brain stuff” as it did right before using. So in that sense, is it “shrinking” your brain? Not at all.

Then what’s it doing?

What Crano-ShockTM does is help you make better use of available inner cranial space by displacing the wasted space between bits of “brain stuff” and condensing the “brain stuff” into an optimized space roughly the size of a walnut. The result? Crano-ShockTM not only gives you a safer brain, but gives you a better brain by making your brain even more efficient on a square-centimeter basis.

Can I receive a full refund if not satisfied?

Yes. If after using Crano-ShockTM you can understand the terms of refund, you are entitled to a full refund of the unused portion of your order.

Plaque at South Dakota Landmark for Rev. Nicholas Barnstable, Once Called “The American St. Patrick”

The Reverend Nicholas Barnstable at one time was considered to be “The American St. Patrick” for his work in converting countless scores of Plains Indians to Christianity.

Whereas St. Patrick used the shamrock to explain to the Irish people the great mystery of the Holy Trinity, how the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit can be three distinct spiritual entities, yet form a single spiritual entity, Barnstable did not have the shamrock
(non-indigenous to the Great Plains) to fall back on.

Legend has it that Barnstable was sitting on a hill contemplating how to explain the Holy Trinity when he noticed the black plume of smoke coming over the horizon. While others would have recognized it as merely “The Ole 315 from Kansas City,” Barnstable, in his religious fervor, interpreted it as divine intervention and praised all three members of the Holy Trinity simultaneously by shouting, “Thank you Lord for this sign!”

Barnstable substituted the train for St. Patrick’s shamrock, using it explain the mystery of the Holy Trinity to the Indians by pointing to how the engine, the coal car and the caboose are distinct entities, yet form a single train.

The turning point for Barnstable came one day when a Sioux brave innocently asked, “If the Father is the Engine and the Son is the caboose and the Holy Spirit is the coal car, then who is the dining car?”

Barnstable thought deeply on the subject and independently expanded the Holy Trinity into a “Holy Octet,” adding “The Mother,” “The Divine Wind,” “The All-Seeing Eye,” “The Sandman,” and “Average Joe”, to account for the dining car, smoking car, observation car, sleeping car, and passenger car respectively.

Rev. Barnstable was hung on this spot on October 5, 1853 by a special joint Methodist/Baptist/Catholic apostasy posse.

100 Affirmations for Positive, Powerful, Proven Self-Improvement (That in Some Cases Will Also Help You Shred Fat, Become Absolutely Ripped, And Attract Wealth As If You Were a Wealth Magnet)

  1. I am an elite British Commando.
  2. I don’t use the special powder, but if I wanted to use the special powder I could.
  3. There is nothing missing from me – I am complete.
  4. Nothing bad has ever happened to me that would cause ongoing thought disturbances. 
  5. If there were a point system for being a normal person, I would set the record.
  6. My greetings are friendly and charming.
  7. I give gifts appropriate for the occasion and the recipient’s place in my life.
  8. I can disappear and reappear at will.
  9. I control my own atmosphere.
  10. If I touch a home, it is protected from future storms.
  11. My breath is clear and free from flying insects.
  12. I can use a farm tractor appropriately and for the right reasons.
  13. My body is my spaceship and my spaceship cannot be defeated in a fight.
  14. There’s nothing incongruous about me.
  15. There are not a host of strangers living inside of me – there is only me.
  16. There are no unnecessary wires or chemicals in my body.
  17. All of my body’s chemicals are secreted in the appropriate amounts.
  18. All of my wires are free from rust and securely connected.
  19. I can immediately determine the difference between an actual person and a replica.
  20. I am one of those amazing people who can do anything.
  21. No one forces me to move my limbs in an awkward manner.
  22. When my limbs move, it is because I have chosen to move them.
  23. I can affect the outcome of a roulette wheel through imperceptible vibrations in my sinus cavities.
  24. I could find my real parents if I wanted to.
  25. The perfection I have achieved in my physical form is not temporary – it is eternal.
  26. I do not need a second chance to make a first impression.
  27. If I wanted to I could win every lottery.
  28. I am an elite skater.
  29. I am an expert marksman.
  30. I can lift heavy bags of groceries and walk up stairs without difficulty.
  31. I have no difficulty lifting objects over 20 lbs.
  32. I have no difficulty breathing.
  33. My bicycle is well-oiled and the gears shift smoothly.
  34. No one will ever find my secret place.
  35. Many famous people are eager to play cameos in my life.
  36. Wherever I sit, there is ample legroom.
  37. There is no phallic significance to me eating a banana as if it were an ice cream cone.
  38. I have achieved a significant place in history of my time and all historical epochs.
  39. I can enter a room and tell if the wrong people are in it.
  40. I am not wracked by guilt.
  41. I am not paralyzed in any way.
  42. I am not an unnecessary byproduct of misspent passion.
  43. I decide what will be redacted from the contemporary narrative.
  44. I decide what will be inserted into my mouth and when.
  45. I am the final element, without overtones.
  46. My eyes reflect the true depictions of the surrounding world.
  47. I am both part of the story and the writer of the story.
  48. I can appraise horses from all periods of the Americas.
  49. There is no reason to keep me behind bars.
  50. I know every moment is a chance to do the right thing or change what the right thing is.
  51. I am the driver and the car and the passenger and the road, the red light and the green light; there is no yellow light.
  52. When I want to fly, I fly; when I want to sit, a chair appears.
  53. My attention to personal affairs can never be described as “grossly inadequate”.
  54. My perspiration functions as a pleasantly scented, deep-pore cleanser.
  55. I can improve my blood flow without swallowing a capsule.
  56. My body maximizes the use of all nutrients and effortlessly flushes itself of toxins.
  57. I achieve optimum brain and body health without reliance on the whims of corrupt natural food elites.
  58. I am immune to the effects of electricity, no matter how high the voltage. 
  59. I am able to draw the borders of all regions accurately and with precision.
  60. I am never at the mercy of unseen forces.
  61. There are no mice in my car’s heating system.
  62. I am a master of exotic martial arts.
  63. I can read the psychic aura of dangerous criminals and swiftly serve them justice.
  64. I do not need to see someone’s face to know who is talking.
  65. I never get the feeling I have fallen into a black hole and cannot get out.
  66. All four of my eyes are always open.
  67. My palette of readily available emotions is rich and deep.
  68. I am not made of plastic.
  69. I do not require road flares to become aware of roadside breakdowns. 
  70. There is no flaking off of masonry inside of me.
  71. I am immune from the consequences of water absorption and freezing.
  72. I am not afraid of being trapped inside a confined space with a dwindling amount of oxygen – this is the type of situation in which I thrive.
  73. I can climb inside the rain and become its essence or allow it to simply bead off my skin.
  74. I have no valley; I have no plateaus; I only have peaks.
  75. I am capable of crafting untanned, irregular pieces of bloody cowhide into pleasing shapes.
  76. If a food item contains peanuts or was manufactured on equipment also used to process peanuts, I will know it.
  77. I am not allergic to peanuts.
  78. I give no useful answers under interrogation.
  79. I am not duped by camouflage.
  80. I have created a second brain, a duplicate brain within my real brain, and it is this second brain  that the thought invaders enter.
  81. When I choose to walk through life as if through a one-way observation window, I cannot be seen. 
  82. I do not need to strike while the iron is hot – I control metal in all its states.
  83. I am not susceptible to disempowering messages from a broken toaster.
  84. I have silenced all negative internal dialogues.
  85. I transform disempowering feelings or behaviors into winter jackets that can be given to those in need of winter jackets.
  86. I can operate in subliminal, semi-subliminal and overt mode.
  87. I am what all is about.
  88. There is no “good way” or “bad way” – there is only my way.
  89. I can sleep away from home comfortably on my right side, on my left side, on my back, or on my stomach – however it needs to be.
  90. My body’s internal thermostat regulates temperature and, therefore, I do not overheat.
  91. I excel at carnival games involving feats of strength or ionizing water.
  92. I will not die sitting down or laying on my back; like King Richard III, I will die standing on my own two feet, cut down by various medieval weapons.
  93. If I were a deep ocean trench, I would be the deepest ocean trench there ever was.
  94. Foreign daredevils repeat routine aspects of my daily life and call them “stunts.”
  95. I have the ability to gather and mobilize yaks in an emergency situation.
  96. The constant sensation I am riding upwards on a slow-moving elevator is merely me getting smarter.
  97. My lactose intolerance is not a weakness; it is an asset that allows me insight into the suffering of lesser mortals.
  98. The people who are always looking at me and thinking, “He must have a direct path to God” are 100% correct.
  99. If God has chosen to make our clandestine means of communication known to others as Revealed Truth, then I must accept it as His Will.
  100. When they think they have found me, I will already be gone.

Disclaimer C to Disclaimer D §12.13(b)(a)

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Any misstatements of fact found in the above should be ground cryogenically using a thermoplastic, thermoset and lowered into the mouth of an active volcano until corrected.

About Get Fit Lifting Levers™

Get Fit Lifting Levers™ is The Total Total-Fit System™ for The Total Tailor™ expected to create Tuxedos From Whole Cloth™ that will not rip at the sleeves when the wearer, in emergencies running the gamut from extreme to minor, must lift one or Both Arms™ over his or her head to lift a lever, or multiple levers in precise combinations of positions and/or sequences, in order to save panicking innocents from possible, likely, or certain doom.

Get Fit Lifting Levers™ is a trademark of The Total Tailor™, LLP, a Limited Liability Partnership doing business as Total Tailor Enterprises™ in the state of Nevada and Tiny Mormon Tailor Enterprises™ in some parts of Utah.

Get Fit Lifting Levers™ is not associated with Get-Fit Liftin’ Levers™, a series of quality, durable and reliable replacement levers coming in a variety of colors, textures, grip sizes, and lever lengths for use in the Get-Fit Liftin’ Levers™ Fitness System® – a wall-mounted isometric weight-loss and muscle-building system utilizing the revolutionary Dual-Directional Push-and/or-Pull™ Lever-Lifting Lifting System® originated in the Republic of Vietnam and marketed in the United States by DynoDyneD Enterprises (3DE).

Get Fit Lifting Levers™ is not affiliated with Get-Fit Lofting Loaves™, a series of adjustable-weight loaves of stale organic white, whole wheat, rye, and multigrain bread for use in the Super-Strong Baker’s Apprentice™ series of shot-putt training DVDs in any manner except their 50/50 partnership in Get-Fit Leaving Lifts™ an overseas British joint venture which owns a non-voting minority stake in Fit Lifts, UK® a London-based network of elevator-based membership fitness clubs.

Transcript of William Carlos Williams Reading “The Red Wheelbarrow” on American Idol and Judges Comments

So much depends upon a red wheel barrow glazed with rain water beside the white chickens.

[Audience cheers wildly. Ryan Seacrest meets William Carlos Williams at center stage]

Very nice, Dr. Williams. [pats his shoulder] Let’s see what the judges have to say. Randy?

[shaking head] Dog. Dog. Dog. Okay. Okay. Okay. Check it out. Check it out. Now at the start when you come out with “so much depends,” I’m thinking, I don’t know about this – it’s sounding a little preachy. Right, right? [audience boos] Let me finish. Let me finish. [holds up hand] But. BUT – then you just kicked it. [audience cheers] You totally kicked it with the red wheelbarrow, the rain water, the chickens – and I got it. I saw exactly where you were going with it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Big fan, dog. Big fan.

[enthusiastic cheers and applause]

Jennifer Lopez?

Oh. Oh. Oh. What can I say? You truly are a poet. You really are. You moved me. You really did. You moved me. [audience cheers] And it is so, so true – so much does depend upon the red wheelbarrow glazed with rain water beside the white chickens. It really does. It really, really does.

[enthusiastic cheers and applause]

Stephen Tyler?

You nailed it, dude. You nailed it. [audience cheers] The red wheelbarrow. The rain water. The chickens. It was all right there. Like Jennifer said, you’re a poet, dude. You’re a poet.

[enthusiastic cheers and applause]

[places hand on William Carlos Williams’ shoulder] If you want to vote for William Carlos Williams, the phone number is 1-866-IDOLS-03, that’s 866-436-5703 [William Carlos Williams holds up three fingers to camera] or Text “Vote” to 5703 when the voting lines open immediately after the show. When we come back, Gregory Corso drives a car.

[wild cheering and applause. shot of Gregory Corso gently rocking an imaginary steering wheel back and forth with hands in 10-2 position. American Idol theme music with fade to commercial]