Great Things! (no. 8)

great things - absurdist aphorisms

The Polite Gentlemen

Grigor and Dimitri approach each other on the street.

"Good friend, you have something on you face," says Grigor to Dimitri. "Let me help you," he says, pulling out a butcher’s knife.

"There! It was only this!" he says a few minutes later holding up Dimitri’s nose.

"Why, thank you, good friend. I am in your debt and cannot wait to repay you the favor!" says Dimitri, pulling out his own butcher’s knife. "Oh, my! Good friend, there’s something on your hand!"

"It was only this!" he says a few minutes later, holding up Grigor’s thumb.

"Good friend, you are indeed a blessing," says Grigor. "But there seems to be something on the side of your head."

"Thank you, good friend," says Dimitri a few minutes later, looking at his left ear being held up in triumph by Grigor. "Why, good friend, there seems to be something on the side of your head as well!"

And on and on it went until several hours later a starving mother and her brood of children came upon what was left of them,

"Scoop all of that up and bring it home," she says to her children, not believing her good fortune. "For meat is meat however and wherever you find it!"

The Percentage Daily Volume That a Serving of Cabbage Provides

Cabbage chart

I Married Helium

You’re betrothed is beautiful
she’s quite a comely lass
the only downside I can see –
she moves just like a gas.

the transverse

keeping the track enthusiast bolted directly to the floor, drive New York City like a New Yorker or get the professionals to do it for you

there are a few roads that you should know about on the inside of your vehicle particularly any unnecessary roads we list between kids, pets, friends, and little ol’ you with the sanctity of point A to point B (in reality it’s portable it is also better for your health)

understand the following: terms as

the consequences of neurologic injuries produced: on a mass scale in small pools of oil and then stuffed in every postage stamp

from one end of the semi-circle to the other: attention might be called to the bandages as needed

a very neat arrangement is: used for important narrow passages where the stoma and nearby skin are traveling by car mounted on a train with a clean paper engine like the North Star cooling throughout the swing motion

before attempting side seating: visualize a flat sheet of cardboard slicing through your body at your waistline, dividing your body into top and bottom. If necessary, use a mild bulge (not that I do this often, but I did it today). Exit from the carpal tunnel opening jars, holding a phone or hairbrush, or sleeping. Remove standard surgical pedals and reasonably isolate motion into linear motion

rinse out: your eyes with the horsepower of a broom rolling around rust that seems to keep it alive (no…do it more like this way)

noting that caustic solutions are the number one cause of femur fractures: align
as possible and maintain the length the configuration variant based upon you sitting

attempting to harmonize with: the interior colour of the brain scan and very soon thereafter turn open-topped longitudinal, serving the one continuous
function-recess after-calling worry (i.e. Red Dot Sight)

a cyclist of the period: looks long and low in boxier aircraft headlamps, considered as a hard object (i.e. baseball bat, water vapor)

you need: a tissue machine or such like stuff to polish hardware stores from the outside. Keep a shuttle/vibrating shuttle/rotating hook/oscillating hook dependent while you do this

one of the short timbers: points a pillow handy in all rooms of the fingers

keep an eye on the local examples: like most other respective inferior planes for future reference and route the exhaust out the back

weak/under potassium: a faulty popping out on the body can be replaced rebuilt or cleaned out and the popping will run again at this speed

it may also happen: because of a violent impact or penetrating (i.e., gunshot, stab) injury

you need four eyes: in and out rhythmically in the two nearby tunnels or the lights in lush vegetation

a mass market clever space: failed because of the wiring needed, and the electric less acidic liquid

this section: goes outside and inside of the pouch

with toilet paper: avoid the wings on the sides of the spine pull, push (especially vacuum cleaning), bend or find each line’s overhang cover the angle that causes Mobile Peace-Keeping Teams to be displayed on cars, trucks, office doors etc.

by extension/inspected/maintained into: a specific shape and remaining warm swapped solar supply in this sense the voltage constant comes with liquid-happy occupants created for giving the entire load the bridge with sporadic use of silk floss, sport-sewing machines, the side view of the cheetah theme variant in special doubled relativity adjacent to the stud reinforcement when using an non-referrential future potentially corrosive environmentally modified substantially (while keeping the concept) exterior beyond the supra-exterior

Let’s Make a Deal About a Door (or “A Play Without a Remainder”)

Notes for live performance: This one-character play is to be performed on a well-lit bare stage with a white back wall. The character delivers all of his lines with a heavy Mexican accent, similar to that used by Cheech Marin in “Up in Smoke.” If for some reason that offends you, then have the character deliver his lines in an Italian accent (my peeps) similar to Chico Marx’s or an Indian accent (I enjoy Indian food) or whatever accent you want…just not a Jamaican accent. Some short one-act absurdist plays are tailor-made for a Jamaican accent. This is not one of those plays. Anyway, use any accent you want, but, I warn you – you deviate at your own risk!

The plays begins with with main character, who is “nameless”, walking on stage…actually, let’s back up…the main character is “nameless”…small “n”…hence we have a play where the sole character both is and isn’t nameless…so this nameless character walks on stage wearing a leisure suit from the 1970’s…or some sort of suit…I’m not really into fashion or costume design…just don’t have him walk on stage as a leopard, or, God forbid Rum Tug Tugger or Munkustrap from Cats…dressing the character as Jean Valjean, either pre- or post-escape from Devil’s Island or wherever he was – NOT RECOMMENDED AT ALL!!!! Similarly, it is not recommended to dress the character as the male lead from Miss Saigon…the female lead would be even worse….actually, come to think of it…before you start with costuming, find out where Miss Saigon is playing, drive there and do a quick sketch of whatever The Engineer is wearing in the big “American Dream” number and Sha-bam! that’s what the character in this play is wearing…or if you can’t get to Miss Saigon, attempt to locate an actor named Thom Sesma, who was as good an Engineer as I’ve ever seen, and give him a ring and have him describe what he was wearing in that scene…OK…now that we have costuming taken care of that…the very first thing the nameless character does when he gets on stage is disrobe…on second thought…if you went to all that trouble to get the costume right it would be a shame to let it go to waste…the nameless character walks on stage AND KEEPS HIS CLOTHES ON…OK…now we’re getting somewhere…specifically, the middle of the stage…after the curtain goes up the character walks to the middle of the stage addresses the audience directly and very enthusiastically when he delivers the opening line, then following the delivery of the opening line, the nameless character moves to stage left…the audience’s right…it’s true, you really do learn something every day…and for the remainder of the play alternates between addressing the audience and gesticulating towards the blank back wall as if pointing out actual doors…and it’s important that the actor makes it seems as if he believes that what is behind the door is incredibly valuable and real and the character is played with a suitable degree of controlled mania…this play will probably received its first live performance in a limited form at an upcoming Kelly Writer’s House Speakeasy…although the windows directly behind the lectern are going to be a problem for me…as a) I’m not an actor and b) even a very good actor, like the aforementioned Thom Sesma, would have a difficult time convincing the audience that several large bay windows less than 2 feet behind him are a row of doors…hmmm…okay, I may have to make up a diagram consisting of rows of doors and just point to it…actually, come to think of it… feel free to ignore all of the above directions…except for the use of an accent and costuming…and just have the character point to a large diagram containing as many doors as possible…that way, the play can be staged in a plethora of environments…including an elevator, although this is not recommended…now without further ado…up curtain!)

Are you ready to play Let’s Make a Deal About a Door? Then let’s make a deal about a door!

Behind one of these doors is a door.

Behind one of these doors are two doors.

Behind one of these doors is a door leading to another door.

Behind two of these doors are two doors leading to the same door.

Behind two of these doors are two doors leading to the same door that the door leading to another door leads to.

Behind three of these doors are twin doors.

Behind four of these doors are French doors.

Behind one of these doors is a door to nowhere in particular.

Behind one of these doors is a door to somewhere very precise, but cloaked in a thick fog.

Behind one of these doors – one of those doors.

Behind one of those doors – one of these doors.

Behind this door and that door – these doors.

Behind that door and this door – those doors.

Behind this door and that door – other doors.

Behind that door and this door – other doors, but different doors from the other other doors.

Behind one of these doors and one of those doors – one of these doors.

Behind one of those doors and one of these doors – one of those doors.

Behind some of these doors – some more of these doors and a few of those doors.

Behind some of those doors – some of those doors and a few of these doors.

Behind one of these doors – none of the doors.

Behind one of these doors – some of the doors.

Behind one of these doors – all of the doors.

Behind one of these doors – all the doors, so it seems, but not really, as one of the doors is in there twice.

Behind one of these doors – all the doors plus one extra door, it seems, but not really, as one of the doors is in there three times.

Behind one of these doors – all the doors, it seems, but not really – really it is only some of the doors and a team of very, very good actors pretending to be the other doors.

Behind one of these doors is a years supply of doors.

Behind two of these doors is a six-month supply of doors.

Behind six of these doors is a two-month supply of doors.

Behind one of these doors is the daily door.

Behind one of these doors is a doorman.

Behind one of these doors is a doorman made of doors.

Behind one of these doors is a doorwomen made of a doorman made of doors.

Behind one of these doors is a door inside a door.

Behind one of these doors is a door inside two doors.

Behind one of these doors is baby doors.

Behind one of these doors is doorbell to the wrong door.

Behind one of these doors is a doorbell to the right door.

Behind one of these doors is a doorbell to the left door.

Behind one of these doors is a doorless door leading to other doorless doors.

Behind one of these doors are two doors both a little more than halfway to the point of doorlessness.

Behind one of these doors are two doors exactly halfway to the point of doorlessness, giving the appearance of a single door.

Behind one of these doors is a door without a doorway.

Behind one of these doors is a door on a doormat shaped like a door.

Behind one of these doors is a door on a doornail.

Behind one of these doors is a door that opens out on a dooryard full of old doors.

Behind one of these doors is doorsteps leading to another door.

Behind one of these doors is two doors with one doorkeeper.

Behind one of these doors is one door with two doorkeepers.

Behind one of these doors is a door jamb.

Behind one of these doors is a door knob used as a door jamb.

Behind one of these doors is a door jamb used as a door knob.

Behind one of these doors is a door used as a doorknob.

Behind one of these doors is a door made of doorknobs.

And in front of one of these doors is where everything stops.

ASK I: “I Really Don’t Like Being a Hand?”

Q: Every hand I pick up seems to have some little metal plate attached to the same thing. I really don’t like being a hand?

A: The “it” hand – fueled by the double 0s – ushered in a new era of hand. Before long, $50 turned every hand into “Thing.”

Go become a powerful exercise that eliminates marks that are illegal to copy.

Consume sure tastes.

Put faith in a trendy friend.

Instantly recognize good.

I tolerate sneakers because we have no choice.

I am a stellar hand. I carry an anonymous bag.

I’m intrepid at every everywhere – from A to Z to B as well as W.

My hand from the store has a hand for functionality.

So go return a ship both ways.

Stop fixating on a zero.

Count a hand with a hand.

Clutch unusual materials from the 1960s and 1970s that are glorious.

Go devoid of metal, be a player!


blackout composition, source: “Ask Teri”, Teri Again, The Wall Street Journal, 8/8/12.

in situ below…

ASK I: "I Really Don't Like Being a Hand"

Ask I: “I Envy Women, But I’m Just Not One of Them”

Q: I envy women, but I’m just not one of them. I have a lot of special shoes I don’t want to wear. Suggestions?

A: I’m all for three days of black, but there comes a time when you want more.

Alas, you just won’t fit into a single bag.

Stop breaking your head and enjoy your war.

What’s the point of rocks if you can’t round them?

Invest in a car and push it through long corridors as you get a feel for the interior compartments.

Partition off a zipper.

Waterproof liquids.

Resist.

Travel quick where there is no margin.

Shift the rat race, lock your age!


blackout composition, source: “Ask I”, by Teri Agins, The Wall Street Journal, 6/7/12.

in situ below…

newspaper blackout: Ask I: "I Envy Women, But I'm Just Not One of Them"

Ask I: “Does My Snow Call for Eyes?” ​

Q: My gray colors look blue. Does my snow call for eyes?

A: Boo!

Quit striking with a hit.

Air all means. Embrace your wit.

Relish happens.

Be your shape longish ape.

Rake rough, lay flat your crop, dash, slat.

Play in three-piece suits, mad, spiky sharp with cash.

Push your go-to blue pen, but restrict yourself.

Picture a long French blue in a charcoal over Sue.

Sweat in red, burn mustard, or punch the glass.

Maintain non-reflective taupe.

And, of course…

Drink water, keep your kin!


blackout composition, source: “Ask Teri”, by Teri Agins, The Wall Street Journal, 5/31/12.

in situ below….

newspaper blackout: Ask I: "Does My Snow Call for Eyes"

Ask I: “I Am a Lost Saw”

Q: I am going to a party at a private club. I have ears that stand out. I am a lost saw.

A: No little shine inside – and out?

Look for bright shade, a purple peach or an unusual mute.

Heat the flat. Ring the dress. Relax in a tug.

If your arms look elbow-length, skip and faint.

Get your freshly blown out light done professionally with false eyelashes.

Smile so your teeth count.

Out of the cocktail? Survey the door and stride in the hive.

Act.

Keep circulating with a ring.

The party is always easier when you’re tall!


blackout composition, source: “Ask I,” Teri Agins, The Wall Street Journal, 5/24/12

in situ below…

newspaper blackout: "Ask I: "I am a Lost Saw'"