The Continuing Adventures of Detective Frank Green

In some cases
indeed, death does come
like a thief in the night,

wearing latex gloves
and a mask,
careful of what it touches.

I’m Detective Frank Green.
I used to work Vice.
Now I work Homicide.
I make my living
bringing killers and murderers to justice
then watching justice smack them silly
with a big old justice silly stick.
​ ​
Homicides by nurses in a hospital setting
have tripled over the last 40 years.
Now, I don’t mean to scare you away from
receiving proper medical attention,
which may include admittance to a hospital bed
for an overnight stay
or a stay of a much longer duration.
​Those are just the facts.

But it’s just one more reason to get yourself
or your loved ones
off the cancer sticks.

Because if you smoke,
you will eventually land in a hospital bed
and you will have an open IV crying out
“please fill me with potassium cyanide”
in a language understood by only sociopathic nurses
or nurse practitioners
or sociopaths pretending to be nurses
or nurse practitioners.

There’s a Norwegian in the Woodpile

There’s a Norwegian in the woodpile.
COD appears to be GSW to upper torso.
Likely a shotgun blast at close range.
Wallet found on victim indicates
deceased’s name is Olaf Christiansen;
age 42; residence, Olso, Norway.
Business cards found in wallet suggest
Mr. Christiansen is probably employed
in the computer software industry.

My name is Detective Frank Green.
I’ll be straight with you –
I don’t like Norwegians.
Hate them in fact.
Ever since my boyhood best buddy Bjorn Bjornstad
stole my girl Shirley Templeton
right out from under me in 7th grade.
They’re married now.
Been married for 32 years.
When I think of her
up in their house of Hill Street
slaving over the torsketunger for him
it makes me want to vomit.

But I took an oath to uphold the law.
I will search for the killer of this
deceased 42-year old Norwegian male
just as if it was my own father there
in the woodpile with a shotgun blast to the chest.
It’s my sworn duty.

from “The Continuing Adventures of Detective Frank Green”