Swimming Piece 1

Imagine that all of the air around you is actually water.

Attempt to surface.

Wilt Chamberlain Piece 1

Imagine Wilt Chamberlain churning butter.

Imagine that the Big Dipper is using a standard-size butter churn, despite the fact that he is 7’1”.

Imagine the pain shooting through up and down his spine as he is hunched over the churn.

Feel with him the humiliation of being Wilt Chamberlain, the greatest player in NBA history, being forced to churn butter in such a stooped and painful condition.

See the tears drip from Wilt the Stilt’s eyes as he endlessly churns. See him mouth the words,
“How much longer?”

Think of the inhumane cruelty involved in putting him there.

Go to your refrigerator and take out a stick of butter. After the butter softens, place a candle in the butter and light it, saying aloud “Thank you Wilt Chamberlain,” then blow out the candle.

Place butter back in refrigerator and later use on pancakes, toast, coffee rolls or wherever butter is used.

Railroad Piece 2

Find an isolated set of railroad tracks cutting through a woods.

Walk down the middle of the tracks.

Stop at the one mile point.

Imagine the tracks behind you represent your past and where you have been.

Imagine the tracks in front of you represent your future and where you are going.

Walk boldly and confidently into your future.

After 100 feet, stop and let the monkeys you’ve been juggling fall to the ground.

Smile as you watch them run away, then continue on your journey.

If they do not immediately run away, throw as many bananas as necessary into the woods to the left of the tracks, and then run like hell into the woods to the right of the tracks.

Railroad Piece 1

Think of how the conductor of the train will feel after he has realized he has run you over.

Meat Dance 1 for Lone Male

Walk into any store where meat is not sold.

Grab an item for purchase and bring it to the register.

Once the salesperson has rung you up, feign surprise that you have lost your wallet
and begin frantically patting down the pockets of your pants and jacket.

Start reaching inside of these pockets – jeans first and then jacket – and start pulling out slabs, chunks, hunks and handfuls of raw meat.

A small t-bone steak, filet mignon, veal patties, beef cubes and the like are recommended for pants pockets. A large handful of ground beef is recommended for jacket pocket.

After emptying your pockets, begin to pat down your socks/ankles.

You can pull any type of meat you desire out of your socks, but you MUST pull out a raw chicken leg AND a whole fish out of opposite socks, consecutively, as the finale.

Note bene: For the purpose of this dance, fish is meat.

Leave the checkout area by saying”“Maybe I left my wallet it in the car.”

Do not return.

Instructions for “Revelation I”

Have someone with nice penmanship write out the entire Book of Revelation in cursive across on your naked body.

Walk to a nearby full-length mirror and read the text out loud as you see it in the mirror (i.e. backwards) phonetically.

Have a nearby scribe write down your observations on a scroll.

Petition Rome to have your scroll amended to the New Testament.

Instructions for “Irish Dance for Mud or Water”


Basic Performance:

Find a willing Irish Dance troupe.

Have the Irish Dance troupe perform a traditional Irish Dance
hip-deep in a mud pit or a shallow body of water.


Alternative choreography:

Have the dancers sink deeper and deeper
into the mud or water during their performance
until they are no longer visible.

After several minutes, have a Chinook helicopter
appear in the sky from behind nearby mountains
and land near the performance space.

Have the members of the Irish Dance troupe
exit the helicopter with a triumphant flourish.

instructions for salt crowbar

acquire a crowbar. replicate it in salt.
go to a locked place that you always
wanted to enter. attempt to pry open
the door with your salt crowbar. if it
breaks before you are inside, repeat
this process until you are where you
want to be.

score for texting orchestra

arrange for a full symphony orchestra to be on stage giving a concert before an audience. equip each member of the orchestra with a cellphone. throughout the performance, text each member of the orchestra one by one. instruct each orchestra member that when they receive a text, they are to stop playing, take out their cellphones and engage in a text chat. instruct the conductor to continue to conduct the ever-dwindling number of orchestra members still playing an instrument. once all players have received their texts, the conductor should be left conducting an orchestra which is entirely silent and engaged in text chats for at least a full minute. text the conductor and continue the performance in utter silence for a suitable period of time.

alternate scoring:

have the audio notification of each text message sent and received by the performers amplified throughout the P.A. system, so that just prior to receiving his own text message, the conductor is “conducting” to a cacophony of text message notifications.

DIY Home Art Installation: Signature Crabcakes

Find samples of your signature from earliest childhood through the present made roughly every 7-8 years apart.

Project these onto individual wooden boards and trace each signature with a pencil.

Lay the board flat and, using your pencil marks as a guide, painstakingly glue frozen crabcakes to the board to recreate each signature.

Shellac the crabcakes.

Perform the same exercise for each member of your household.

Hang all of these unique signature art pieces in an unused room in your house.

Every 7-8 years, repeat the process for the most recent signatures of all members of the household.