Observations Regarding Birds by Robert Durst (to be read using your best Robert Durst imitation)

Sometimes a happy bird lands on your shoulder
and it stays there singing happily away –
ALL DAY –
and maybe it’s a day you’re not necessarily
in the mood for that chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp, chirp
ALL DAY LONG –
and it starts to drive you a little crazy.

You try to shoo it away
but it stays there.
No matter how many times
you say “Shoo!”
or you tell it,
“You NEED to
STOP SING-ING.
You need to be
ELSE-WHERE.”
“This has got to stop NOW –
PERIOD.”
The bird is still there.

So when nothing happens,
if the bird will not listen to reason,
well then you are at the point where
you have to take the matter
into YOUR OWN hands.
And you squeeze that bird
until it stops singing.

If it’s a small bird,
like a sparrow or a robin,
you dispose of the cadaver –
because who walks around
with a dead bird in their hands?

If it’s a bigger bird,
like a partridge or a cornish hen,
or a REALLY bigger bird
like a chicken or a turkey,
well, that’s great,
then you have your dinner
for the evening right there
and you didn’t even need to go
to Wegmans.
Maybe it’s your lucky day after all.

Who would have thought.